Positively Reinforcing Good Behaviour
If you'd rather listen to the podcast than read the blog, click here for The Parents' Solution. The podcast drops March 21, 2023! As much as we parents and caregivers love our children, there will always be a time during their development where we find we have to appropriately incorporate discipline into our parenting style. It may be in a mall, in a grocery store, at a birthday party, at the grandparent's house. But somewhere along the way, we are going to have to provide our children with guidelines and boundaries so that they understand safety, appropriate behaviour, and emotional regulation.
This is the theme of an article published on Parent Map entitled, How to Use Positive Reinforcement to Encourage Good Behavior. Parent Map is an online resource that is owned by women who are parents themselves. There are plenty of informative articles as well as a magazine that deals with a myriad of parenting topics.
In this article the emphasis is on the parent reinforcing good behaviour by praising the child whenever they display positive actions. By praising favourable behaviour, the parent is encouraging the child to continue doing good. This encouragement goes deeper than just regular "thank you" and "please," with statements such as, "I appreciate how patient and generous you're being with your little sister right now." This tells the child that he is in fact patient and generous, instead of reciting a common phrase heard multiple times in a day. Specificity is your friend here!
By reinforcing wholesome behaviour, you are helping your child recognize the good that is in them. This leads to a wonderful cognitive process; when your child is faced with the option to do good or bad, he will hopefully remember all of the positive words you have been speaking and choose to do good, finding his identity in all of his positive attributes that you have verbally recognized.
Let's face it, children with behavioural needs tend to act out regularly because they are consistently told that they are "bad children," or that they are "naughty," they "always misbehave," or that they "never listen." It's only a matter of time before negative speaking from parents, teachers and caregivers become the child's internal voice. And what do they do? They behave exactly the way they are told to behave by both external voices, and that internal voice and the cycle continues.
The Parent Map article highlights the problem with negative reinforcement. Often negative reinforcement sounds like, "Don't do that or else..." which only works as long as the parent can instill fear in the child. But eventually that child will grow out of it, and the "or else" part will be more enticing.
The problem with fear is that no one should be living with it. Living with constant fear is torment for an adult or child. If a child learns to follow a rule because she wants to and she understands the reasoning of the rule, as opposed to being afraid of punishment from an adult, she will be more prepared to think for herself as she grows up. Controlling a child by fear is teaching them a form of mindlessness. It's that thought that "I'll do whatever you want because I am afraid of you." This type of training disrupts proper development.
Many of us adults grew up with negative reinforcement as part of our childhood. Some of us know about the idea that "a child is to be seen and not heard," and so had very strict rules to follow. Therefore, this idea of positive reinforcement may be completely foreign. So, here are some practical tips for you to use to help practice positive reinforcement:
When your child is misbehaving, take a breath and remind yourself of their positive attributes, and then remind your child of their strengths as well.
Stay calm.
Do not overdo the attention you give for negative behaviour. Instead, react more obviously to your child's positive behaviour.
Spend quality, phone-free time with your child regularly
Take time out to tell your child all the things you love about them
Be the example. Show your child how to share, or how to properly handle their emotions by doing it yourself.
Give simple rewards for good behaviour.
Last thought: there is a difference between rewarding and bribery. Bribery is giving your child a chocolate bar from a stack of sweets near the cashier if they stop screaming while standing in the grocery line. The article mentions this particular example and makes it clear that this use of bribery often backfires on the parent. It simply conditions the child to understand that screaming in the grocery line will win them a chocolate bar.
If you use a different approach, such as rewarding the child with allowing them to help you put the groceries on the conveyor belt, or push the cart, or use the debit machine (with your guidance), then they are building skills for independence. These rewards are simple and are amplifying good behaviour, especially when you specifically tell the child why they are being rewarded: "Thank you for standing patiently in the line while we wait to pay for our groceries."
You and I both know that parenting is no walk in the park. But with sound knowledge, a willingness to learn and change, and an extra touch of patience, you can do well and raise a smart, capable, and confident human being.
Need more resources? That's what Star Students is here for! Feel free to read through our blogs, listen to our podcasts, or check out our academic and homeschooling resources. And, as always, don't hesitate to contact us for support.
Sources:
1. “How to Use Positive Reinforcement to Encourage Good Behavior” accessed February 19, 2023, https://www.parentmap.com/article/how-use-positive-reinforcement-encourage-good-behavior
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